A shoulder to lean on

I'm always a good shoulder to lean on, always there to comfort and consult. What about me though, who do I get to lean on, who will comfort or console me? When is it my turn to not always be okay? When is it okay for me to just be cranky, or feel bitchy, or just feel like I need to cry. Why when I am not the model of emotional fortitude do I get accused of being selfish, and if occasionally I really am selfish, so what? Am I not as human as everyone else? I don't know all the answers! My life is not always perfect, I don't always feel okay! I'm tortured constantly by massive anxiety attacks, they don't have one trigger source, they're there all the time; no one ever knows unless I tell them though,I've learned to hide it that well. Some mornings I don't want to get out of bed, I just want to lie there and sleep, but I don't if I did who would take care of everything. I'm not superwoman, I'm not even supermom, I am not an angel, not a sweetheart, I'm not an entertainment coordinator, and sometimes I'm not even a very good wife. Somedays I just want to let the phone ring, let the answering system get it, use the 'do not disturb' button so i don't have to hear it nagging that there are messages. Somedays I just want to slip on my headphones, and ignore the world and all it's demands, to slip into my own world, where I am special and cherished, and important just because I'm nice to be around, not because I am there for everyone else; a place where no one ask me to solve any problems, where no one excpects me to have the answers. Some days, I just want to be selfish.

Disclaimer

I'm not perfect, no angel here. I try to be a good friend and family member and all of that, but this is my place. Here I won't pretend, won't be good and dutiful, and I may even say some things that would hurt feelings, or offend. If your my friend or a member of my family, and you can't handle it then please leave this place. Walk out the virtual door and read no more from this place. What I write here is not meant for offense, or to hurt, but because in my imperfection I need to have a place to vent my feelings, and sometimes they are not nice. My actions do not always match my emotions, I am on the outside a kind, compassionate, rational, Lady; while on the inside alot of times I just feel bitchy, and selfish, and sometimes cruel. This is my place for that, for the side I try not to show, for the side no one likes, but that is always there beneath the surface layer that if not given vent to somewhere safe eventually comes out in the worst possible moment. So like I said, if you can't manage to not take this personal, if you just want to know how I'm doiing, and here all the good stuff I have to say, please leave.

Looking back to begin looking forward

This year has so far been a year for reconnecting, re-evaluating, forgiving, and beginning again. The year started well, one of my sisters just had a baby girl in Dec 2006, and my other sister is pregnant with a girl now. I have reconnected with friends I thought I would never hear from again, and learned they missed me just as much as I've missed them. My husband and I have decided to start trying for another child this coming August now that he has his bachelors degree. I finally know the career path I want to spend my life following, and will hopefully be able to start college to pursue that goal.

I'm learning to find the strength to forgive others, and put the pain of betrayals, and perceived betrayals, behind me. I'm learning that I sometimes judge too harshly the actions of others, and myself not harshly enough. I'm learning that love doesn't have to come with labels, demands, limits, or justifications.

I'm learning that for the first time in my life I like who I am, and the person I'm becoming. I'm learning how to push myself past the anxiety in my life, so I can live my life. I'm learning to laugh again, learning to let go and to have fun. I'm learning to demand better, from myself and from others. I'm learning not to let others walk all over me in the name of love. I'm learning that love is not synonymous with pain, even though they sometimes come together.

Slowly but surely I climb, each day another rung on the ladder leading out of the past and into a better future.

Where I've been

It is on days like today, when my eyes are turned inward on who I've become, where my life is, and where I've been that I feel grateful for all the experiences, both good and bad, that I've had. Many are the times I have weathered the storms in my life simply on the faith that my life has a purpose, thought I may never know what. I believe that everyone does have a purpose in life, and that somewhere along the way I will fulfill mine. I pray that somehow my life will touch on someone else's and make a difference, a true life altering difference. I don't live my life to get somewhere, I live my life to live my life. I am not content to just exist, I am only content when I live each day the best I can. I am content to sleep at night when I know I have given my love to my daughter and husband and been there for them in their times of need.
I have a standing rule with my family and closest friends that if they ever need me, regardless of the time, they can call me. If they ever need a shoulder to cry on or need some advice (advice they likely won't follow) that I'll take their call night or day. I have therefore received calls at obscene hours of the morning from my sisters, but never have I regretted the decision to make myself available to them. Never have I wished to just let the machine get it. Something in me feels fulfilled when I help them, when I'm there for them. I've never been closer to most of my family then now when we've lived so far apart for so long.
I thrive on that connection to the people I love, knowing that they love and miss me daily, knowing that I am always welcome. I pity anyone who doesn't have that, maybe I shouldn't, but I do.

Any of those things

Light, inspirational, funny, insightful....I don't know that my blog will ever come in the vicinity of any of those things. I don't know if the words I write here are read at all, and I can't claim to care to terribly if they are not. Face to face I seem to connect poorly with others, especially those in my age range. I have found that to most of them I seem terribly serious and a bit too dull. I am an intellectual at heart I'd rather be reading than out partying, would rather discuss psych, lit, and NASA's latest 'adventures' than clothes and other fashion related items. I'm only 25, but I look 18 and act 30-ish this seems to leave others a bit puzzled as to what to discuss with me.
It is here, in this rather isolated blogroom that I find my release. Here I have the freedom to discuss whatever I want, without regards to much of anything. I don't have to act the proper wife of a corpsman with high aspirations, I don't have to behave as a lady all polite and a good hostess as well as guest, I don't have to act the loving daughter, or devoted mother, I don't even have to act the caring and concerned friend. Here I can be the colossal bitch, the introverted bookworm, the silly young lady, and the somewhat frazzled and bored wife and mother. So here is where I come to express all that I keep tidily tucked away as I attend to the duties I have lovingly accepted in my life in the form I do so best, the written word.
Out of the limelight, so to speak, I can show my prismatic personality, shining in the rays of anonymity, for only few people who know me in real life know of my blog.

Guilty Pleasures

I love my guilty pleasures, so I thought I'd give them a moments notice.
Here they are in no particular order:

Peanut butter topped English muffins, toasted
Poached Eggs
Carbonated drinks
Bratwurst
Christmas Music off-season
Singing in the shower
Steak fat (sounds so gross, but with a nice hunk of steak meat delicious)
Wendy's Combo #4
Historical Romances
Onion rings, fried
Steak Fries with Nacho Cheese
Quesadillas, just cheddar
Tortilla chips
Popcorn
French Bread, dipped in nacho cheese or as garlic bread
Chimichangas, smothered with guacamole and sour cream
Salads, loaded with ranch dressing, cheese, and bacon bits (no imitations)
Baked Potatoes with butter, cheddar, and bacon bits

okay so most of my guilty pleasures revolve around unhealthy food...
so come on, tel me what some of yours are?

My 200 things

Thanks for the idea Betsy(My Whim is Law)
I started this as just something to do, but as a worked through the list, I began to realize what a rich life I've lived. There are some awsome things I've done that aren't even on this list, so if you choose to go through the list count your blessings as you go.
P.S. My answers are bold and purple

1. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain. (so what if it was a small one)
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula.
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said 'I love you' and meant it (daily)
9. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease.
11. Bungee jumped.
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favourite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse(Lunar and Solar)
41. Ridden a roller coaster(never again)
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Visited Your Nations Capitol.
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetised your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero(and a supervillian)
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office(I work at home lol)
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark(delicious)
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a cheque
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children(okay so this ones in progress, she's 5)
127. Recently bought and played with a favourite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person Member of Parliament
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?(no one specified it had to be your own idea)
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone(my pinkie toe is the only one)
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle(for about ten feet)
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them.
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologised to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair
197. Been a DJ
198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199. Written your own role playing game
200. Been arrested

The Start of Something

The light glimmering off the crack in the glass dining table mesmerized Amber and her mind drifted off recalling the last few days.
The weather had been terrible, rainy and chill, but still she had a wonderfull time. When the clouds released their burden she sat with him under a waterproof tarp before a small campfire. Held close in his arms she read to him from her latest novel.

All My Yesterdays

Yesterday...I was 16 and dating a true to life nice guy

Yesterday...I was around my 17th birthday and still dating the nice guy, but also 'involved' with my closest male friend

Yesterday...my closest male friend decided we shouldn't be 'involved' as more than friends anymore, and my heart brakes for the first time

Yesterday...the nice guy and I mutually dumped each other, but stayed friends

Yesterday...I developed a growing obsession with my closest male friend

Yesterday...senior year was almost over and I met someone new

Yesterday...It's almost Thanksgiving, I'm 18 now and that someone new dumped me, and my heart breaks again

Yesterday...I rebound with a guy I knew before I was allowed to date

Yesterday...He goes back to Mississippi, to his wife, and my heart breaks again

Yesterday...I find out I'm 18.5 and pregnant with the child of a married man, and my heart breaks again

Yesterday...Six days after I turn 19 I give birth to a beautiful son

Yesterday...I find out that my son is sick but the Docs are not sure why

Yesterday...I take my parents up on their offer to raise my son, They'll do better than I'm currently able, but I love him and letting go breaks my heart

Yesterday...That someone new and I get back together and get married, I'm only 19.5

Yesterday...Six rocky months after getting married, I'm pregnant again

Yesterday...At 20.5 I give birth to my daughter, healthy

Yesterday...I've lived in California, Italy, and Virginia, both my husband and I have nearly walked out the door many a time

Yesterday...After our biggest blowout ever, my husband covinces me to stay

Yesterday...We start over, and it's hard, and it hurts, but we do it anyways

Yesterday...We can now go weeks without fighting, where we never could even last a day without fighting before

Tomorrow...We're on the eve of possibly the first year of my life I can look back on with only a minimum of regret, It seems I'm finally climbing out of my yesterday's at 25.5